Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bennikrok's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, August 19th, 2008
9:57 pm	Where have I been? So, yeah it's been a while. I have no idea when the last time I posted was, other than a really long time ago. At least I can say I was awakened to a new culture, because in terms of my career this winding down two year tour sure was almost a complete waste. Wow, now if only I could find the time to look for more time to write these things. Current Mood: Perplexed (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 2nd, 2007
3:59 am	Has it been that long? It's been a while, I realize that. Given that I don't update often, I suppose it should be actually worth something, but I can't seem to find anything productive to write about, so there's always work. It's... somewhat troubling. EVERYTHING is blown out of proportion. No matter how small, how trivial, how minor, is an epic event, an end of the world kind of thing. Micromanagement is off the scale. Too many people with too many fake titles, that don't really matter. My "title" is shift production supervisor. What does that mean? Seeing as how I answer to the shift supervisor, I take it not very much. He answers to the work center supervisor, and it just gets worse from there. On to the next so shocking revelation. I am a naturally shy person. I have a very hard time working up the nerve to do several things. I'm fairly sure this comes from a lack of self esteem. Which might, or might not come from other questions. I can't really tell anymore, I'm so confused. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 31st, 2006
11:59 pm	Wow How overdramatic can I be? Here I was being worried about all kinds of things that don't really matter. Well, a 14 hour flight is never really fun, and I have to get my laptop hooked up to the internet so I can use my iPod again, but other than that, I think I might actually get something out of this experience. I also need to look at getting a "new" car. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: None (Comment on this)
Thursday, October 26th, 2006
3:54 am	What did I do? I ask myself, in tears, over, and over, what did I just do? The weight of my situation has just hit me. I'm about to leave for the airport in about an hour and a half, and fly half way around the world. I'm about to leave everything I know, everything, just because a few months ago I thought it was a good idea. I'm having some serious second thoughts about this. Doubts, questions, confusions. Why am I doing this? How am I going to deal with what I'm about to lose? Will I be able to handle it? I don't know the answer to any of these questions, but I guess I'm going to find out, the hard way. By the time the few people I've met read this, I'll probably already be on my way. I certainly hope I can do this. God, I am a fool. Current Mood: nervous Current Music: None (Comment on this)
Friday, November 11th, 2005
1:08 am	Why does it seem like this? It seems the only time that I update this thing is when something's not right? If you look at most of my updates, I wasn't doing so great, so I'm trying to figure out if there's one thing in particular that's wrong. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's the world. There are times when I absolutely hate who I am. This is one of those times. I'm so lonely, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm too shy to try to go introduce myself to new people, too afraid of something to try to actually try to make new friends, or heaven forbid get a girlfriend. I feel miserable for being alone, but it's so difficult for me to meet new people, because I don't feel right, it's so hard to explain. I feel like I've lost the month and a half progress I've had with doc, like I was something else, and now... back to nothing. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Green Day - Basket Case (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 6th, 2005
10:43 pm	Reflection of Self It's amazing what happens when you don't feel like you have a self identity. It's a very disturbing and just weird thing. To feel that the only way to get satisfaction in one's life is to do nothing but interact with others. I felt like I just kind of left it somewhere, and I don't know where to look to find it. That's why I haven't updated in a couple of days, I've been too busy interacting with other people until really early in the morning, and then I'd get back too tired to write anything. At least I didn't sit around despondant all weekend. Current Mood: weird Current Music: Bad Religion - No Substance (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
11:54 pm	I think I see... Well, aparrently I think I might have figured out what's wrong with me. I feel that I have no self identity. It may sound strange, but it seems to explain a lot. I'm trying to find anything to fill the void, where I feel I have no self. I'll try to explain more later. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Bad Religion - Sanity (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
10:47 pm	My brain makes me dizzy sometimes. I'm so nervous about tomorrow. I'm also confused, so very confused. I'm not really sure what to do about much of anything anymore, although I do know two things. First of all, something with me is not right. I don't know if I'll ever figure out what it is, but I do know that it's not fixing itself. Secondly of all, I can feel a void within myself, and it makes me feel like I'm not me, like I'm not whole. Time for some lyrics that might explain just a bit, maybe... "Doctor, cure me; what is the cause of my condition, This madness shoots me, Like bullets smashing glass in a silent movie, I'm a trap without a spring, A temple with no god, A jack without an ace, The tip of your tongue, I'm a promise, an unmailed letter, An unbuilt motor, deck without a joker, A creeping gray memory I am incomplete....incomplete....incomplete....incomplete" Bad Religion - Incomplete Current Mood: confused Current Music: Bad Religion - Incomplete (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
10:03 pm	A day, like no other... or every other, I'm not really sure Well, life goes on... and on, and on, and on... I almost feel like each day is almost a repeat of the previous one. I can hardly tell what day it is anymore. They all seem to blend so seemlessly. There doesn't seem to be any change. If I work, I work, if I don't, I game, the same games, with the same people. Each day I feel my mind slip, just a little more. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. The medicine isn't really helping anymore, my personal writings are more like rants about how much I hate the world, and I just feel so frightened about everything. I think I need to take some time off from gaming, maybe not a lot of time, maybe forever. I think I need a break from the norm, and I feel like I need to breathe some fresh air. I don't want to be alone this weekend. I'm afraid I'll do something I might regret. The more time I have alone, the more time I feel alone, the more time I am alone, with these thoughts, with these feelings, the more and more depressed I get. I'm not really sure what I need, because I don't have anyone I can talk to around here. I'm afraid of what I'll do to myself, so I need to seek more help, I need to be able to talk to someone who won't question me, for any reason. I need someone who can listen. I need someone who can confort me. I need someone... I think I'm going home this weekend Current Mood: worried Current Music: None (Comment on this)
Monday, August 29th, 2005
5:47 pm	A few lyrics, and a bit of an idea. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about the future, or even the present really. I've taken to reading the song lyrics, and decided to share one that seemed to just strike me as particularly... interesting. Other than that, I haven't really been actually doing anything, although I think I'm going to go play in the storm for a bit. I love the feeling of a rainstorm on me, unless I'm at work, but mostly because I'm at work. These lyrics are from the Bad Religion Song - Tiny Voices Album - Stranger than Fiction Copyright 1994 Epitaph Records. Used without permission "Tiny Voices" the brown and orange sky holds its breath as the sun retreats to the distant horizon, and our hearts palpitate anxiously as we soon will lay supine, and wait for sleep to overcome us and from somewhere in our black, subconscious minds when we're asleep, comes a haunting swelling mass of voices, resonating, its screams of forgotten victims and the cries of innocence, and the desperate plea for recognition and recompense tiny voices, echoes of our heritage, our long and sallow faces turn the other way, tiny voices, harbored deep within as we outwardly deny that they have something to say, and if we don't confront them they will never go away the billions of tiny pinhole embers fade into a morning sky filled with poignant morose wonder, waking a bear a cosmetic peace that verifies the turmoil which we carry deep inside Current Mood: restless Current Music: Bad Religion - Tiny Voices (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 28th, 2005
12:09 pm	Is this actually normal for me? Well, after just over a week with the antidepressants, I feel... depressed. Yeah... I have issues. There was a point where I almost was feeling pretty good, but then I slipped, without anything happening, and I don't know why. That frightens me. I'm really worried about me. I hate feeling like this, but I don't really know too many other feelings... Self doubt is another one, and sometimes I feel anger, but that's because my emotions are all bottled up, and I don't know how to really deal with them... Right now I'm afraid for myself, not so much that I'll do anything, just that I don't WANT to end up feeling like this for the rest of my life. I don't want the inexplicable bouts of crying, the constant feelings of loneliness, the constant feelings of emptyness, always feeling inadequate, the constant feelings of self loathing that I feel almost all the time, that I recall feeling for most of my life. They started a long time ago... a lifetime ago, or rather half a lifetime ago. It's amazing how much damage to the human spirit can take, and even more impressive when you see it's long term effects. It's impressive how if fed and not dealt with over a long enough time period, it can produce disturbing results. Is it any wonder most people try to hide their flaws from the world? So they don't have to deal with them, so they don't have to admit to themselves they have problems, so that they can continue to hide the flaws from themselves, so they don't have to deal with this. I know I'll never be perfect, but at least I'll have dealt with some of mine. My buddy Steve re-joined the army. I know I'm going to miss him, but I don't really blame him. He kind of liked his old job, and I think it's good for him, but that's just one less friendly face at the game store. I'm losing interest in the game, and I wonder if it's because I'm losing a friend, or is it because just about every else playing right now are people I don't really want to deal with, or is it something else? I'm losing interest in just about everything I had interest in. I don't want to play war games anymore, I don't really care that much about the game my group is playing in, I'm losing interest in my art and painting, I don't even want to read that much anymore. I just want to do nothing. I'm losing all of my interests to my inner demons, and I don't know what I can do about it. I don't know how to deal with it, and a small part of me doesn't really care. I don't really have any social interaction at all, and I'm losing what little I have with my few local friends, and soon, if nothing changes, I'll have nothing. "Now we grow as we show that the morals we must know Will be shapen and mistaken by the falls along the way." - Bad Religion, Along The Way Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Bad Religion - Along The Way (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 27th, 2005
2:08 am	Hah, fraggin' ha Your clan is a dysfunctional one. That is because you are a Malkavian. Something is poisonous about this clan's blood that drives all those embraced to madness. However, in this madness, you tend to have great insight. Unfortunately, people just take it as senseless ramblings. In every family there is an insane one. You're it. What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To? Well, that might explain a bit... Current Mood: listless Current Music: None (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 25th, 2005
9:02 pm	Well, perhaps it's back to the norm...? I'm actually having a decient day today, for the most part. I've cut down on smoking a lot, mostly due to the antidepressants. I also think sorting out the chaotic thoughts in my head have probably helped some. I think that all the sleep I got last night helped a lot, even though I'd rather have a full night's rest, rather than the broken sleep I've been having. While I am a bit upset that I'm not getting Monday off, like our normal schedule, it's probably more of a blessing than a curse, seeing as how as long as I'm working, I tend not to think so much about everything that's been happening in my life. Now, I think I'm begining to wonder, after all, the future doesn't seem quite as bad as I thought, although there are still quite a few reasons to worry. But then again, worry comes naturally to me. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: Bad Religion - New Leaf (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 24th, 2005
5:25 pm	A task, a trick, and more than a few tears Well, I'm being tasked by my psychologist to write my thoughts every day, and I do, these are my private thoughts, the ones that aren't altered by anything at all, because only two people will ever read them. I am one, and my psychologist is the other. As I wrote my entry down yesterday, I began to realize a few things. One, I have spent my entire life being ruled by fear, and even though it may continue, I also feel that I have begun to make true progress into discovering the why behind certian emotions, especially at certian things. Second is that I will admit I am still afraid. The final thing I realize is that there is both help, and friendship, as well as a future, for me, and that I have to find my catalyst for change, and I have to change before this drags me down. I realize that the only thing that I truly fear, more than anything else in the world is to lose is the love of my parents. I feel, and hope, they would support me, even though I doubt they would understand what I am going through. Most of my other friends I hang out with locally are, as a group, so shallow that they would turn on me just because they don't know what else to do. Individually, they might ask questions, but more than likely, they would just shun me. I also realise I'm going to have to move to a place where I am more likely to be able to live, where I don't have to risk getting attacked by every other person just because they're afraid of me. I need a place to belong. I've never truly felt I've belonged anywhere. While I will admit that I have fun sometimes, it's just a kind of shallow, hollow fun. Nothing is truly accomplished, and no one goes home any better, nothing really happens. I need to find a place I can talk to real people about real things, and finally begin to understand myself. I think I need a place to truly BE myself. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Jewel - Pieces of You (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
6:52 pm	The Real Deal, The second of two entries What a day, what a day... I saw the psychologist today, and I'm begining weekly outpatient treatments. I've been instructed to try to do two things, the first of which is keep a journal of my emotional state throughout the day, and the second is try to figure everything else out. I was diagnosed with MDD (Some kind of Depression Disorder), and there is a strong possibility that the underlying cause is Gender Identiy Disorder. I started making a list to show the doc when I go back next week of all of the things that I've done and thought before everything basically came to a head, and well, I was a lot less surpised with myself when I finished making the list than I thought I would be. I was so nervous about today that I kind of didn't actually sleep last night, so I've been up for about 31 hours now. I'm going to sleep, and maybe begin to actually pull myself out of this hellish funk I'm in. Current Mood: tired Current Music: None (1 Comment |Comment on this)
6:51 pm	Test from the Racoon, First of 2 entries today WAY More Emotional You have: 40% SCIENTIFIC INTUITION and 77% EMOTIONAL INTUITION The graph on the right represents your place in Intuition 2-Space. As you can see, you scored well above average on emotional intuition and slightly below average on scientific intuition.Keep in mind that very few people score high on both! In effect, you can compare your two intuition scores with each other to learn what kind of intuition you're best at. Your emotional intuition is stronger than your scientific intuition. Your Emotional Intuition score is a measure of how well you understand people, especially their unspoken needs and sympathies. A high score score usually indicates social grace and persuasiveness. A low score usually means you're good at Quake. Your Scientific Intuition score tells you how in tune you are with the world around you; how well you understand your physical and intellectual environment. People with high scores here are apt to succeed in business and, of course, the sciences. My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on Scientific You scored higher than 83% on Interpersonal Link: The 2-Variable Intuition Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid Current Mood: tired Current Music: None (Comment on this)
Friday, August 19th, 2005
11:59 pm	Getting There? Well, I won't have the psych appointment until Tuesday, but I suppose that one is better than none. I get a check up from Doc on Monday, so I've got a weekend to basically screw around with. The local gaming store will have a ceremony for moving tomorrow, so I'll try to make it up there with my camera, I might even have a few pics, and I might even post one here. I'm not sure about the antidepressents, I've only had one so far, but I think I'm slowly starting to get closer to my normal bipolar self, as opposed to just being down all the time. Maybe the fact that I can get help is helping some. I'm not really sure. I'm still really confused about all kinds of things, and I'm still not sure about all who I really am, and what makes me tick. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Bad Religion - Evangeline (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
7:19 pm	So it begins. Well, I've going to have a psych appointment scheduled, hopefully real soon, but there aren't too many people working there, and that means it may take a while. My flight surgeon has just prescribed me some type of antidepressant, all I can really hope for I guess is that it doesn't backfire, or have any of it's other rare adverse reactions. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: Bad Religion - A Walk (Comment on this)
12:15 am	What's wrong with me? I can feel it. It's this sickining kind of sadness. I don't know what it is, but I want it to stop. It's been tormenting me for about 3 weeks now. I don't know what brought it on, and it won't go away. It's set me off, and might cost me my job, if not more. I haven't felt anything but fleeting moments of happiness, perhaps not even full moments. I haven't really felt anything but basically down and tired, other than my one outburst. Tomorrow, I get financial counciling, plus one or more private social forms to try to hopefully figure out where this problem comes from, and maybe how to get it to go away. Maybe, hopefully, if I figure out what it is, how to get rid of it, I'll finally stop hating myself. Maybe it will help me figure out who I really am. If anyone reads this, wish me luck. I think I may need it. Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Bad Religion - Boot Stomping on a Human Face Forever (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 11th, 2005
7:41 pm	Some kind of monster... I can't believe it. I just can't believe it. I had an almost complete and total loss of control today at work. I was so angry I screamed until I started coughing up blood. I'm not sure exactly what set it off, but there certianly are a few factors. First... someone else got in trouble for my mistake. It's my fault it's wrong, so why is my supervisor in trouble? Second... I'm doing the BS work that nobody wants to do, simply because I'm the junior guy. While normally this wouldn't matter, it's just that the junior guy is the exact same rank as everyone else. Third... I've heard people ask me the exact same question nine or ten times in a row. Why the hell do you have to ask it so many times, is my answer going to change? Current Mood: annoyed Current Music: Garbage - Bleed Like Me (Comment on this)